Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
