I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize