Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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