you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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