i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
