i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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