So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
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Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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