omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
