I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
