none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
