I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
