He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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