ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
