i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
