I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
