you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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