i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We named our party play list daddy issues
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
