Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
