I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
