going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I smell like Dick and happiness
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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