Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Text me some of your sweat
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