Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
