dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
