Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
