Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You can't just leave with hair like that
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
