Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
