Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My vagina just recognized that song.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Your cock deserves a montage
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
