i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
