theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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