My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I have post one night stand depression
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
