don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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