Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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