Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
whose parrot is this?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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