Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
