I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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