So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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