If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
