I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
