How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
