Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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