the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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