Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
