they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
