He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Randomize
