Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
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This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
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We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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