There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
