So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im six kinds of drunk right now
I want you more than these girls want KFC
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You pole danced in your parka.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
