i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
