apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
