So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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