Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
