Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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