your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
don't judge my taste in strippers
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
