Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Randomize
