I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
