I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
