yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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