life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
