i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
