Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
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Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
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Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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